Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
