You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
