i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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