There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
