And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
