i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
