update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
