dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
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