I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Randomize
