Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
