We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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