There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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