This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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