mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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