Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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