seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
