so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
