mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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