I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
