so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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