She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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