dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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