I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
