So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
