saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
