I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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