I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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