I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
