Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
