Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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