My Higher Power is John Stamos
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
