I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Randomize
