Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize