Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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