I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
