I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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