she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
