don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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