At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize