never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
