i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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