i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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