I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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