In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
