i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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