im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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