Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
