Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
