Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
