just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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