My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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