Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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