dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
