I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
