I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
