My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
