My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
