I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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