Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
