god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize