dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
