go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
