And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
